Dust to dust, sand to sand, in between I need your hand

Rough Transitions

2009-08-16T23:52:30Z

So I have now moved into college and its... interesting. I currently don't have a roommate because she's getting here late so right now its just me and Luigi (my fish) chillin in the room. Not quite what I expected when I signed up for this. Granted, I only moved in yesterday and classes don't even start until wednesday. But still... I get lonely. Everyone is trying to get to know their roommate and doing stuff with them... that kinda leaves me out in the cold. I know its not their responsibility to reach out to me, but the situation certainly makes it hard to reach out to them. And the longer I sit here alone in my room the more melancholy I get. I'm terrified that my personality (or lack thereof) is too bland to really make anyone want to befriend me.

The Random Musings of an Insomniac

2009-06-12T08:30:31Z

So as I write this it is 4:14 in the morning, a time when normal people are asleep yet I am kept awake by the throbbing knee and the inability to sleep. I sit in my bed awash in moonlight because I simply have nothing better to do.

~~Tomorrow~~ Later today I have to go to graduation practice. Even though school has pretty much been over for a while we still have to make it official. Saturday is the big day, D-Day if you will. Tomorrow is the day that we officially sever our ties to highschool and all that goes with it, the drama, the monotony, the friends, the home. Granted, I won't be sad to see most of these go, but I just don't feel ready to move on to bigger and better things right now. I look at the students that graduated last year and I feel inadequate. I feel like they were older, wiser, and more mature at this point last year than I am. I'm scared that when I get to college I won't be able to handle it. I'm also scared that I have missed so much.

There are people I could have hung out with and friends I should have made, but I just never got around to it. After tomorrow, and especially after this summer, there are a lot of people I just won't see again. I know that I will find ways to stay in touch with the people I'm really close to, but it's the others that worry me. The people that have been an integral part of my days for the past thirteen years. Those are the people I am really going to miss.

And now that I have wasted another fifteen minutes I will once again attempt to sleep. Although I don't know how successful I will be now that I have so much weighing in on my mind.

Why Even Bother??

2009-05-27T21:47:58Z

I just love it when my dad is in a mood and decides to take it out on me... It's really great to be bitched at over nothing. He decided to be an ass because I didn't call two people as he would have. I called both people... just not in the order he wanted me to. I fail to see how the order the calls were made in change the effect they had.

Everything I do is wrong and everything I say is a lie. I can't do anything right when he's being pissy. Why even bother trying to do what he says if it's not going to be what he want's from me anyway? I had nothing to do with his bad mood, but I'm the easiest target in the house because I can't bitch back. If I do, then I'm disrespecting him and that's just rude. Well is it not also required for him to respect me?? Apparently not.

To hell with trying to make him happy when all he wants to do is bitch.

Failure

2009-05-13T02:26:06Z

I don't know why I bother getting my hopes up... everything I get excited about always seems to fall through.

For Example:
- Teaching Fellows
- Prom with Michelle (best friend ever- goes to boarding school)
- Prom at my school
- Life in general

After a while you'd think I'd learn, you'd think that I would get used to it and recognize when I'm getting too excited for something to actually work out. You'd think I'd eventually just give up...

All Bottled Up

2009-04-17T02:51:50Z

I hate what I do whenever anything happens. I have all this stuff that I want to say, but can't/don't and wind up walking away with so much going on inside my head. I have no one to talk to about it because I don't really have anyone I would want to trust with all of my (many) problems and rants. Like when I have a fight with my dad I have so much that I want to say to him but I'm afraid of what he will do if I say it all. I know it will piss him off and he gets... unpredictable when he gets angry and I know that what I have to say will piss him off so I just walk away in "submission" and it kills me.

I don't want to always have to walk away, I want to be able to present my argument or at least talk about it with someone else. But instead I walk away steaming, and keep it all bottled up. I wind up two hours later having a conversation about it with myself in my head. That sounds like something a crazy person would do, but it's the only option I have. I am the only person I trust enough to bare my soul and I have to let some of the steam off somehow...

So much to say...

2009-04-02T23:56:39Z

So much has happened in the last month... I don't even know how to begin. There is so much to say that I probably should have said before.
To start - -

My skiing accident from February caused me to tear my ACL and mess up my knee. Lucky me this type of injury requires surgery.... even luckier... surgery is tomorrow. I am so scared about it but I don't really know why. I haven't allowed myself to really think about it until yesterday when I had the pre-op done. Talking to the doctors made it seem so real (which it is). It's not like it's a life threatening injury, but I am scared shitless. I am not looking forward to tomorrow at all.
Yesterday at the pre-op I got a male nurse. I was sitting in there with my mom and dad when he was asking the questions. "what was the first day of your last period?" hell no... you do not go there with my parents in the room. I wouldn't have even told my mom that I had started my period way back when if I hadn't needed her to drive me to get the tampons. I am a very private person and I don't share things like that with them. The questions didn't stop there - "was it a normal flow? did you have the usual symptoms? are your periods usually on a normal schedule?" I wanted to die. And to top it off I told the nurse it was two weeks ago and he had my dad calculating the day of that. Kill me.
They started me on a nerve medicine that will hopefully prevent the nerve damage that I have in my left foot from traveling to my knee during the surgery. It kills my concentration. I can't think about the same thing for more than 3 minutes. Then I get distracted by a dust mote or someone outside walking around. Mom made me drive to go get dad after he dropped his car off to be worked on and it's a miracle that I made it. Every time that a car would drive by or I would pass a big house I would get distracted by it. My steering wheel distracted me for a while. Today in AP English I was peer grading someone's paper and I got distracted by the shape of the letters. I started coloring in all of the ones that were like D and had a spot to color. When the guy got his paper back he was like what the hell? I've basically been high all day...
I'm still scared shitless about the surgery but I can't talk about it or tell my parents anything. I don't want them to know I'm scared because it would make them worry even more. But I'm still terrified. I've become ice lately because I am trying to hold in all the fear. I don't really have any other emotions right now because my entire being is concentrated on that.

hmm....

2009-03-02T17:03:08Z

Pot-head boy is back... I saw him the other day at school. I don't know if he noticed me because I'm in a wheelchair now... but then again how do you not notice the girl in the wheelchair??

ugh...

2009-03-02T17:01:33Z

My mom just got pissed at me over nothing... again. She was walking out of the room, getting ready to go through the door. I asked her to shut the door on her way out. she blows up! "well that was a real shitty thing to say" She was on her way out.... it's not like she was standing next to me talking to me. She was clearly already leaving the room. I fail to see how what I said was inappropriate. If I'd just said "close the door' she would have had no problem....

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

2009-02-19T02:04:24Z

How phenominal of a song is Somewhere Over the Rainbow?!?

I haven't really listened to it since watching the Wizard of Oz as a kid, but it's awesome. I really like the hawiian version by Israel Kamakawiwo' Ole rather than the americanized version... the music is so much better. It's all flowy and mellow. You just can't help but bob along to the music and think happy thoughts. And we all need happy thought every once in a while. (I know I do!) Espically now that school is almost over and I'm getting ready to go to college and start my own life. It's stressful this transition from "kid" to "adult". I'm not sure that I'm ready for it yet, but it's being pushed on me anyway so I better get that way soon! Anyway-- back to the happy thoughts...

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops is where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dreams that you dare to, oh why, oh why can't I?

Well I see trees of green and Red roses too,
I'll watch then bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white

And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by

I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I...I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more than we'll know

And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops is where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dreams that you dare to, ... why, oh why can't I

"foul" language

2009-02-09T00:56:31Z

Everyone complains about the overuse of curse words, but I don't think it's really that big of a deal. People object to the use of damn, but using darn is perfectly fine. It's not like we don't know where darn got it's meaning. It is merely a euphemismfor damn. It has the same meaning, yet darn is somehow more acceptable. Kids walk around the school all day saying "I'm so freaking tired" how is that any less offensive than saying "I'm so fucking tired"?? Words are just words. Words don't hurt people, people using the words hurt people. Curse words are harmless unless you intend them to have harm.

AARRGGHHH!!!!!!

2009-01-17T03:51:58Z

I don't think I can spend another minute around my parents. Today was going really well until Dad got home... so correction- I don't think I can spend another minute around my Dad. I don't know why he pisses me off so fucking much... but it seems like almost everything he does is to irritate me- and he knows about it so he just does it more. I just spent an hour and a half at a restaurant that should take 45 minutes max to eat at. The owner came over and started talking to my parents (to make sure the meal was ok)... and they just kept dragging it out. They asked him about his kids, and how he keeps his business organized, and how much he lets his kid use the computer, and what kind of freaking virus protection the man used. Does it really fucking matter??? Didn't think so.

My Dad is such an irritating person to be around. If he knows something that annoys you (ie. chewing gum with your mouth open, whistling, stupid/racist/insensitive/"I will say this intentionally to pick a fight with you" comments) then he will do it constantly. He honestly gets joy out of picking fights with people... then he overreacts and "doesn't understand" when you get pissed at him. "I'm on your side" he says in that god damn condescending tone of his. I used to think he didn't mean to piss you off... that it was unintentional. False. Over the years I see that it is one hundred percent intentional. He wants you to get angry... so he can make fun of you when you do. I try not to show how much he irritates me (because I know that only encourages him) but I don't think anyone has that much self control. He is always talking about how "She's just an average teenager of course she is mad all the time... what do you expect?" which he know only pisses me off more. He acts more like a ten year old child than a 57 year old man. No one can make me as angry as my dad can. When he's on his A-game I get so completely irrational that I can barely see straight. It takes all of my self control not to tell him off or smack him or completely destroy something.

I know I have a short fuse... but it usually doesn't cause a problem.... except for when my dad's around...

Blah

2009-01-07T03:11:49Z

So I lied about New Years. It turns out that I am not ok with spending it alone. My dad wouldn't even bother to change the channel to watch the ball drop with me. On top of being alone I am sick. I think I'm coming down with a head cold. The same one that my mom had, gave to my dad, he gave back, and now I think one of them has given it to me.

2009 isn't looking to promising.

New Years

2009-01-01T04:35:10Z

So I'm spending new years at home by myself yet again... and earlier today I was a bit upset about this, but I don't really mind anymore. I kind of enjoyed spending the time with my parents. We very rarely get to just spend time together, usually we are doing something else during that time (watching tv, eating...). It was nice just to be with my mom. We even played games. She got me skip-bo for Christmas so we've been playing that alot recently. And I even broke out mancala, which I haven't played in forever.

But now she is at church to ring in the new year with the other religious people. Dad's gone to bed, so once again it's just me... third year in a row. It seems like an unfortunate tradition to begin...

Wings

2008-12-29T21:25:48Z

"I'd rather spend my life near the birds, than waste it wishing I had wings"

I've been wandering if this is true about me. Because I kind of hope it isn't. I'd hate to think I'd be happier just being near successful people, than actually striving towards that success for myself.

Christmas Woes

2008-12-28T16:17:29Z

Christmas always makes me feel horrible. People take the time and money to buy me gifts but I am never happy. The gifts are fine, there's nothing really wrong with them. But I always want something just slightly different. Why can't I just be grateful?

My mom bought me a pea coat. And it's true, I've been wanting one for a while, but apparently I wasn't specific enough. I wanted a navy or black modern pea coat. She got me a grey, traditional, full-length one. I should be happy just to have a pea coat. But I can't help wishing mine looked more like my cousin's.

My brothers went in together to get me a UNCW hoodie. I have wanted one ever since I got accepted. But the one I wanted was teal with navy lettering. The one I got was a men's sweatshirt that was grey and had green writing. I should appreciate that they put the though into getting me something they thought I would really like, but I just can't help but want the one I had pictured.

Why can't I just be happy with what they got me? Why am I unsatisfied when people spent time and money to pick something out for me? Don't get me wrong, the gifts are fine. But that's just it. They are fine. I'm not in love with them. I'm not overjoyed to have them.

End of Semester Thoughts

2008-12-21T22:55:40Z

It is so hard to beleive that this semester is almost over. It feels like senior year has just begun and in reality it is halfway over. I have been looking forward to college for so long now, but I'm beginning to think I may miss highschool. Well... not the school really, but I will miss the teachers and the students. I was thinking the other day that there is so much I haven't done, and so many people I wish I'd gotten to know better before now.

It's going to be so hard to leave these people that I've seen everyday for the better part of my life so far. My school years have been so busy that I don't really feel like I've gotten to be a teenager. (That could have something to do with the crazy parents thought...) I spend most of my time home alone, and that's not how I want to remember my highschool years. All of the kids I go to school with are always hanging out with friends, or at the movies... I however don't really have any friends I want to hang out with and am never asked to do anything with them anyway.

There are so many things I wish I'd had the opportunity to do, and not enough time for me to do them. I guess I'm excited about "starting a new chapter in my life" but I'm also not ready for this one to come to an end.

-Lauren

Help Wanted

2008-11-26T21:19:24Z

Hey guys, I was wondering if any of you would help me out. I'm trying to get this scholarship for college and I need people to vote on my entry. If you could help me out that would be A-MAZING!!!

College Must-Haves
Brickfish

So there's this guy....

2008-11-11T00:23:34Z

So... I intern in a freshman Earth Science class for first period. And all through the year there has been this guy.... I've caught him looking at me a lot (of course he has a tendency to stare off into space so this could mean nothing) and I really really like him... like a lot. I really looked forward to first period because I got to hang out with this guy... Unfortunately there are a few (large) problems...

1) he's a freshman and I'm a senior... doesn't really mean a lot to me- but it's still a little weird
2) no idea if he actually likes me...
3) he was expelled friday for bringing drugs to school (according to some of the other students this has happened before in middle school)

Now, the last one is really the only issue to pursuing whatever could happen. It's not the drugs that bother me, but the fact that he is not there could pose a problem. I just figured out today that he was actually expelled and I haven't been able to concentrate at all.I've been so jittery and scatterbrained and unfocused and quite a bit sad. This is completely irrational and is actually becoming a problem because I cant focus in my classes. Other than a lot of "meaningful" glances and quite a few conversations nothing has ever really happened between us... I mean NOTHING.

So why am I so anxious? Why should I even care about some freshman pot-head who shouldn't even matter to me? I hate this feeling of caring and knowing that I shouldn't....

And to make things even more interesting, I went to my grandmother's house sunday afternoon to eat lunch and who do I find walking through her horse pasture? You guessed it... him and one of his friends. Only said about two words to him because he hid behind a tree (really clever, like I'm not going to be able to tell that it's you) but according to his friend they were at a party, left, got lost, and were trying to find a shortcut through the woods back to the party. Friend was totally high... like flying high.. but he was funny so it didn't really matter to me. I sat outside reading and eating cake for most of the rest of the afternoon hoping that they would get "lost" again and come back by....

I just really want to see him again... And I know that I shouldn't... I know I shouldn't care... but I do

boys are stupid

2008-10-17T02:55:09Z

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend of almost two years. I thought they were perfect for each other, they did almost everything together. I honestly thought they were going to get married. If those two- who were perfect for each other- can't make it, what are the chances that I will ever find a guy? And if I do is he even worth the heartbreak when it ends?

Fandoms

2008-09-29T02:01:21Z

Has anyone else noticed that most of the twilight fandoms seem to be fanfic sites now. I miss all the cool conversations we used to have. I have nothing against the fanfic people, but it seems like that's all there is anymore. Especially topazanddebussy. They used to be my favorite fansite and now it's just fanfiction. It's kind of depressing, especially the last book was only released about two months ago. It seems like we should still have plenty to talk about. Or maybe I'm just hung on the past and I need to move on and find a new book to obsess over. I guess this means another trip to Barnes and Noble is in order.

<3 Lauren

End of Summer Sadness

2008-08-10T04:25:17Z

So, I just got back home from church camp (camp Caswell). It was pretty fun, although the me being agnostic thing kinda made the Baptist worship services a bit interesting. I do have a more defined image of what I do believe though...

I am already tired of this new background and layout combination.... too bright and cheerful for my mood. It also doesn't reflect my new love affair with Breaking Dawn, which was amazing! I am so in love with that book it's not even healthy. Everything about it was perfect- just the right amount of happy-sappy-ness, just the right amount of tension, with a little shocker thrown into the middle. I am going to the beach again tomorrow to work on my senior project, but when I come back there will be some icons and a new theme hopefully soon. I already have some ideas, just have to put them down in the computer.

Today is the last day that I will see my best friend until labor day weekend. She goes to a boarding school in Durham and she leaves on Wednesday. I leave tomorrow (sunday) to go to the beach until friday. :( I miss her so much already. I don't know how I get through the school year without her by my side anymore. Somehow I made it last year, but I don't know about this year.... I see her coming back on her extended weekends and she is always a little different. The Smart-Kid school is good for her because it has brought her out of her shell and made her do things she never would have before, but it makes me sad because I feel like I am not changing. I am afraid that she will get tired of coming back to the same old Lauren every month when she is changing and becoming a very different person. It scares me that we might grow apart and not be as close anymore, I can't imagine my life without her, because she is good for me too. It scares me because we just spent a week together at camp and now we won't see each other for a month. It scares me that she has a whole new set of friends at her school and she might forget about me...

new theme... as promised

2008-07-24T20:05:48Z

see... I keep some of my promises most of the time... I'm not entirely sure about the coloring, but hopefully the new theme will help me to keep up with posting more regularly... especially since it's summer and I have nothing else to do. I have spent a ridiculous amount of time in front of the TV or looking at bumper stickers on facebook... bumper stickers serve absolutely no purpose... but they are surprisingly addictive... tonight or sometime in the semi-near future I may get around to posting some of my favorites. I am traveling to Hickory tomorrow to visit my youngest brother on his birthday... I wasn't really sure what to get him for his b-day so I got him two boxes of poison ivy pills. A random gift, I know... but he needs them so he can go camping and take me with him... I miss camping... I haven't gone all year, whenever my brothers decide to go something comes up like work or school. We may get to go white-water rafting this fall though... I went last fall with some friends and it was amazing... so intense.... well I have to get ready for work now... whoo-hoo... I guess it will be another few days before I post again...

<3 Lauren

so... it's been a while...

2008-07-22T23:47:00Z

Ok... so.... I've not been too good with this livejournal thing... for some reason I can never remember to post. I don't know, but I am working on it. I have been thinking about starting a diary (like I didn't start one all the time as a kid) or revamping the whole livejournal thing. So, for the moment, I have decided to re-try the livejournal. And to make it even more exciting- in the next few days I will getting a new theme... so be on the lookout. Ever since Michelle (my best friend since 7th grade) started going to NCSSM I haven't really had anyone to talk to. My mom and I don't talk about anything important, I don't have any really close friends at school, and Michelle is kind of in love with her new NCSSM friends (not that I blame her... but where do I fit into the picture). So... I figured that it would be nice to have someone to talk to... even if that someone were inanimate... and couldn't talk back...

crepuscolare @ 2007-11-25T21:23:00

2007-11-26T02:34:25Z

I don't believe all people are truly selfless at heart. Some people are blatantly selfish. Some people hide it better than others. Some people want to appear to be good so badly that they have convinced theirseves that they truly want the best for all people at whatever cost. They appear selfless, think they are selfless, and only in a small, dark, deep corner of their heart do they show their true selves. These are the people to watch out for, because if they can lie so entirely to themselves, they will not hesitate to decieve you. A few people, a very small percent, genuinely want the best for people, they will sacrifice their own selves to ensure the happiness of others. These are the exceptional people, the special people, the truthful people, the sincerely happy people. Isn't it interesting that the happiest people in the world are not the richest, the prettiest, the most popular, but the ones who will give up anything to help someone else.

... just something to think about.

<3 Lauren

First Look

2007-09-18T02:32:42Z

Ok, so I got bored just before dinner tonight, and signed up for this harper-collins first look reviewing thing. IDK. It sounds kinda cool and I really don't have anything else to do... so I did it. I have pretty much run out of new stuff to read and have now reverted back to historical fiction. I have read everything from pretty much every author I've had any potential interest in. So... on that note... anyone with any good fantasy or sci-fi books please, begging you, please, give me a title or authors name... I'll read pretty much anything by this point.

You know what annoys me more than almost anything? Censorship. My mom has started to bug me to give her a good book to read from my collection. She says it's because she doesn't have anything good to read... but I think otherwise. And as I was combing through my books trying to find something to satisfy her, I realized that I have very few books that I wouldn't get in trouble for reading. (my mom is overly protective) Out of like three big shelves of books, I found three that I would even think about letting her borrow. I like the books I read... I'm not about to let her take that away from me. She would be very angry if she picked any four of the last 25 books I've read. I mean, I don't read really smutty stuff, but she just has a tendency to over-react. Something that wouldn't even phase another mom has mine in a tizzy. Ugh! I hate this! I had to "lend" some of my worse books to a friend, just in case my mom took it upon herself to look at my shelves. one of those was eclipse... come on... nothing really bad in that you may say... but you don't live with my mom. okay. so some of the books I read weren't meant to be read by a sixteen year old. *cough* mists of avalon *cough* but that doesn't mean they arent good...