Dust to dust, sand to sand, in between I need your hand

So as I write this it is 4:14 in the morning, a time when normal people are asleep yet I am kept awake by the throbbing knee and the inability to sleep. I sit in my bed awash in moonlight because I simply have nothing better to do.

Tomorrow Later today I have to go to graduation practice. Even though school has pretty much been over for a while we still have to make it official. Saturday is the big day, D-Day if you will. Tomorrow is the day that we officially sever our ties to highschool and all that goes with it, the drama, the monotony, the friends, the home. Granted, I won't be sad to see most of these go, but I just don't feel ready to move on to bigger and better things right now. I look at the students that graduated last year and I feel inadequate. I feel like they were older, wiser, and more mature at this point last year than I am. I'm scared that when I get to college I won't be able to handle it. I'm also scared that I have missed so much.

There are people I could have hung out with and friends I should have made, but I just never got around to it. After tomorrow, and especially after this summer, there are a lot of people I just won't see again. I know that I will find ways to stay in touch with the people I'm really close to, but it's the others that worry me. The people that have been an integral part of my days for the past thirteen years. Those are the people I am really going to miss.

And now that I have wasted another fifteen minutes I will once again attempt to sleep. Although I don't know how successful I will be now that I have so much weighing in on my mind.

• My skiing accident from February caused me to tear my ACL and mess up my knee. Lucky me this type of injury requires surgery.... even luckier... surgery is tomorrow. I am so scared about it but I don't really know why. I haven't allowed myself to really think about it until yesterday when I had the pre-op done. Talking to the doctors made it seem so real (which it is). It's not like it's a life threatening injury, but I am scared shitless. I am not looking forward to tomorrow at all.
   
• Yesterday at the pre-op I got a male nurse. I was sitting in there with my mom and dad when he was asking the questions. "what was the first day of your last period?" hell no... you do not go there with my parents in the room. I wouldn't have even told my mom that I had started my period way back when if I hadn't needed her to drive me to get the tampons. I am a very private person and I don't share things like that with them. The questions didn't stop there - "was it a normal flow? did you have the usual symptoms? are your periods usually on a normal schedule?" I wanted to die. And to top it off I told the nurse it was two weeks ago and he had my dad calculating the day of that. Kill me.
   
• They started me on a nerve medicine that will hopefully prevent the nerve damage that I have in my left foot from traveling to my knee during the surgery. It kills my concentration. I can't think about the same thing for more than 3 minutes. Then I get distracted by a dust mote or someone outside walking around. Mom made me drive to go get dad after he dropped his car off to be worked on  and it's a miracle that I made it. Every time that a car would drive by or I would pass a big house I would get distracted by it. My steering wheel distracted me for a while. Today in AP English I was peer grading someone's paper and I got distracted by the shape of the letters. I started coloring in all of the ones that were like D and had a spot to color. When the guy got his paper back he was like what the hell? I've basically been high all day...
   
• I'm still scared shitless about the surgery but I can't talk about it or tell my parents anything. I don't want them to know I'm scared because it would make them worry even more. But I'm still terrified. I've become ice lately because I am trying to hold in all the fear. I don't really have any other emotions right now because my entire being is concentrated on that.

How phenominal of a song is Somewhere Over the Rainbow?!?

I haven't really listened to it since watching the Wizard of Oz as a kid, but it's awesome. I really like the hawiian version by Israel Kamakawiwo' Ole rather than the americanized version... the music is so much better. It's all flowy and mellow. You just can't help but bob along to the music and think happy thoughts. And we all need happy thought every once in a while. (I know I do!) Espically now that school is almost over and I'm getting ready to go to college and start my own life. It's stressful this transition from "kid" to "adult". I'm not sure that I'm ready for it yet, but it's being pushed on me anyway so I better get that way soon! Anyway-- back to the happy thoughts...